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Kyle Hebert Is An A**HOLE
(Doug Walker is at a hotel room, standing next to somebody) Doug: Hi, everybody. This is Doug Walker. I'm here at Missouri Con. This is my second year here. It's an anime con. And something really cool is that I'm here with Kyle Hebert! (He points the camera to show that Kyle Hebert is standing next to him) Kyle: Oh, my gosh! Doug: That's right. And the great thing about Kyle Hebert, if you don't know, is that he is actually the narrator of Dragon Ball Z. Even if you don't watch anime, you probably heard the narrator of Dragon Ball Z. And he's going to do a little bit of the voice right now! Kyle: Absolutely. (Does his narrator voice) Next time on Dragon Ball Z, Goku goes Super Saiyan, Missouri Con takes over Columbus, Ohio, and then, Goku even tries... (Drinks a can of Mountain Dew) Mountain Dew. (Doug smiles, excited) Doug: Isn't that something? That's really something! I mean, it's just incredible! Kyle: Oh, yes. It doesn't stop there. Frieza's attacking, Cell's attacking, Majin Buu's attacking. Whoa! (Doug continues to smile) The world is going to be destroyed in less than 60 seconds! (We fade to later, where Kyle is still talking) Kyle: And then Goku watches TMZ. He's followed around by paparazzi. It won't stop. It just won't stop. And then Lady Gaga wears a meat suit. Can the meat suit stop all the Super Saiyans? Doug: This is actually kind of incredible. He's been going on for, like, 20 minutes. It's really...he's like really dedicated to this. Kyle: Ga-ga-ga, ooh-ya-ya. Ooh-ah, bad romance. (We fade to later, where Kyle is STILL talking) Kyle: The cos-players are all out. They're like zombies. In fact, the scent is in the air. (At this point, Doug is starting to become nervous and weirded out) Doug: Okay, he's been going on for, like, an hour. This is actually kind of scary. I'm legitimately concerned. Kyle: It's ugly, it's scary. I see people that shouldn't be cos-playing in sailor scout uniforms. Doug: You need to stop. Kyle: Super Saiyans, can they defeat...oh... Doug: I'm concerned. Kyle: ...Harvey Dent? Can he be trusted? Doug: I'm very concerned. Kyle: No! No! No... (We again fade to later, and Kyle still has not stopped talking) Kyle: And then the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Hail Caesar! Doug: Okay, uh, Kyle, you've been really great. I, um... Kyle: Et tu, Brute? Doug: You really need to stop now. I don't know why you're not doing it. Kyle: Carpe diem. Doug: This is way too long. I am concerned for you. Kyle: Yes. Let the buyer beware. (Doug finally attempts to leave) Doug: Okay, well, I gotta go now. There's lots of things I need to do. I'm just gonna very slowly back away from you, uh, right now. Uh, just sort of go this way. (He attempts to leave as Kyle, still talking, slowly follows him) Kyle: Super Saiyans, Super Saiyans...no. You can't escape the wrath of the narrator, the narrator from Dragon Ball Z. Doug: Okay, please stop following me. I don't know what's wrong with you. (Walks out the room's door) Okay, Kyle, gotta go. Gotta go. Okay, it's been charming, wonderful, fantastic. (Shuts the door and begins walking away as he speaks to the viewers) Okay, that was weird. I don't know what that guy's on, but he is friggin' dedicated. Like, he is... (From behind, Kyle, still talking, comes out of the room) Kyle: Where has Doug Walker gone? Where has he gone? (Sees a nervous Doug and begins following him) Aha! There he is. Ah. I will stop him immediately. The Super Saiyans will attack. (Doug, now scared, begins running away, but Kyle chases after him) No. You can't escape. You can't run away! Stop running! (We cut to Doug at an elevator, struggling in vain to open its doors as Kyle stands next to him) Kyle: Elevators are an escape plan, but they don't often work, not in the time of an emergency, like the Apocalypse. (We cut to Doug, with a scared look on his face, still waiting for the elevator to open as Kyle stands next to him) Kyle: The elevators take a long time. They take an extremely long time. But will it stop...ever? Really? Aliens. (Cut to Doug in the elevator, standing alongside Kyle and some other people) Kyle: Of course, the elevator's full of people, but will it be enough to stop the threat of the alien menace? Can it happen? (Doug mouths "Fuck me" to the camera. Cut to Doug walking at another part of the con with Kyle still following him. Doug is really starting to get annoyed) Kyle: Oh, he thinks he can escape. He thinks he has what it takes to run away. (Cut to Doug trying to buy something at a con shop, while Kyle continues to annoy him) Kyle: Artist Ally, full of art, art everywhere. Doug: Go away! (He continues looking at the shop's items) Kyle: Art cannot stop the alien threat from beyond. Doug: I'm trying to buy something! Go away! Kyle: Dragon Ball Z cannot believe the threat... (Doug looks at a smiling female shop worker) Doug: It's your table. Can you tell him to go away? Woman: I like him. Doug: You're an idiot! (The woman laughs. We then see Kyle still continuing to follow an annoyed Doug walking through the con) Kyle: ...will descend upon the Earth... (Continues speaking randomly as Doug speaks) Doug: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. You, you shut up! God, he won't shut up! He just keeps going and going and going! He's like a deranged Energizer bunny! He won't shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Fan: (off-screen) Oh, my goodness! Doug! Doug! Doug: You shut up, too! (Cut to Doug being interviewed by a girl wearing bunny ears) Interviewer: All right, so my first question for you is: How did you come up with the idea for TheGuyWithGlasses.com? Doug: It's ThatGuyWithTheGlasses. Interviewer: ThatGuyWithTheGlasses. My bad. ThatGuyWithTheGlasses. Doug: It's cool. I'll kill you in your sleep. (The girl laughs) No, it's all good. Uh, it really started out at first, you know, I was there trying to... (Suddenly, Kyle appears again, wowing the girl, but annoying Doug) Kyle: Next time on Dragon Ball Z, the Nostalgia Critic is watching movies. Interviewer: (Amazed) Oh, my God! Doug: (Annoyed) Oh, my God! SHUT UP! Shut...up! (We then cut to Kyle again chasing a scared Doug throughout the con) Kyle: The Nostalgia Critic thinks he can escape, but he cannot! Doug: Go away! Kyle: He cannot escape! Doug: Stop following me! Kyle: No, he cannot stop following! (Doug runs into another room of the con. Not seeing Kyle anywhere, he stops running) Doug: Okay. Jesus, thank God. I think I lost him... (Turns around to see Kyle right behind him) Aah! Kyle: Never, never... Doug: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!!! Kyle: ...never in a million years could he think that the entire... Doug: YOU NEED TO DIE! (Cut to both Kyle and Doug sitting at a con panel) Kyle: Next time on Dragon Ball Z... (Doug points the camera at himself) Doug: Kyle Hebert is an asshole! He will not shut up! He has followed me everywhere, everywhere throughout this goddamn con, doing this stupid voice! I'm at a panel right now! Look! (Reveals there's a crowd of people watching them. The people cheer) He will not shut up! He is a fucking little...! (To Kyle, who is still speaking and ignoring what Doug is saying) You're an anus! You're an anus on life! (The crowd boos) Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Who would you rather hear? Me or some idiot do the narration for Dragon Ball Z? (No dice; Kyle is then shown standing alone on the panel stage, performing his voice in a cool tone in front of the crowd) Kyle: Next time on Dragon Ball Z, yo! (The crowd whoops) Keeping it real in the hizzy... (Doug is shown sitting among the crowd) Doug: I really fucking hate my fans right now. (A girl sitting next to him attempts to pat his shoulder) Don't touch me! (We see Kyle continuing to chase Doug at the hotel hallway. At this point, Doug is on the verge of breaking down in tears as he continues to run) Kyle: Doug Walker thinks he can run. Doug: SHUT UP! Kyle: He thinks he can hide. Doug: SHUT UP! Kyle: But that's not going to happen. Doug: Oh, Jesus! Shut up! (We see both Kyle and Doug lying in a bed in a room. Doug is struggling in vain to go to sleep as Kyle continues talking) Kyle: The next thing you know, Trunks comes in with his sword. Can he actually pull out the sword, this huge phalic device? (Doug rises up and yells at Kyle, totally annoyed and angry) Doug: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!! SHUT...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPP!!!!!! (Nope; Kyle continues speaking as Doug resumes struggling vainly to go to sleep; he puts his head at the bottom of his pillow and groans very loudly) Kyle: ...inside Majin Buu, and then take it apart! And then, oh, yes! He can totally shove it in there, and, yeah! Take it up the togus! (We fade to Kyle still taunting Doug as he is sobbing loudly) Kyle: Nostalgia Critic thinks he can take it. He thinks he has what it takes to go Super Saiyan. (Doug says random words, again vainly trying to get Kyle to stop, before resuming sobbing loudly) But he don't. No! No! He has nothing, not an ounce of man... (We fade to Doug, having stopped sobbing, sitting still with a blank, annoyed look on his face as Kyle STILL has not shut up) Kyle: One man, two men, three men, four Super Saiyans. Will they have what it takes to defeat the alien menace from above and beyond the stars? Find out on the next exciting episode of Dragon Ball... (Doug, finally not taking it anymore, takes his pillow and pushes it into Kyle's face. Kyle struggles to breathe, before going limp and dying from being suffocated. Doug lays Kyle's body down on the bed's side, before getting out of bed and speaking to the viewers) Doug: Okay, so I just, uh, killed a man. Um...chances are, I'm gonna see you guys in...10 to 20. But...God, it was worth it. (Thinks about something) If only there was some way I could blame this on someone else. (Gets an idea, and answers his cell phone) Hey, Eric Vale, come on up! (The credits roll, then we see Eric Vale come into the room) Eric Vale: All right! Where are those free hookers at? (Sees Kyle's dead body on the bed and becomes shocked. Just as he reaches in to touch the body, police sirens are heard, annoying him) Oh! What the fu...?! (The end) Category:Specials Category:Content Category:Transcripts Category:Guides